Yesterday I had an interesting, albeit relatively one-sided conversation with my Dad about friendship, how one makes friends, and why people like other people. This mostly stemmed from an observation I made about how the older he gets, the more obviously anti-social, rude, and generally obnoxious he’s becoming. He said that he felt comfortable being rude to, or just ignoring other people, but when I argued that nobody likes people like that, he pointed out that nobody actually likes him anyway. I must admit that’s mostly true – when we moved about 10 years ago, we slowly lost touch with friends in our old town, and he hasn’t actually been in a sociable enough mood to make any new ones. He has a few friends at work, but I’m pretty sure that they’re getting more and more pissed off with his old git attitude.
Still, upon his request, I started telling him how he could be more friendly and sociable, rather than, for example, after church going straight up to the bookstand and starting to read a book, facing the wall. I was explaining how to make “small talk” (I seriously believe the man’s forgotten all of this), and I said something like this:
“Just ask them how they are, how their children are, if they’ve had a good week… even if you know the answer, it’s nice to ask. It makes them feel that they’re interesting to you, which makes them happy, and then they associate those good feelings with you. They think that if you’re interested in them, then it’s likely that they’ll be interested in you, because you must have the same sort of things in common. Granted, all of this is subconcious, but that’s how first impressions work, and that’s why people instinctively like others who ask them about themselves. Most of the population also just like to talk about themselves too… so more good feelings associated with you”
It struck me while I was saying it, that that could be an incredibly cynical view of how friendships start, but I can’t help but believe it. I know that I love my friends very dearly, and I think I know why I’m friends with them now, but when people ask the question “why did you become friends?” I’m always a little stumped (and yes, I have been asked that question a few times). I’m a little dubious of the theory that “your subconscious is attracted to their subconcious, because you subconciously recognise your weaknesses as the other’s strengths and vice versa”, because, while that may be why friendships deepen, I don’t think that can be applied into a two minute situation when you’re meeting someone for the first time, and go away thinking “that was a really nice person”.
In your opinion, how do friendships, or simple like-like acquaintances begin?
Tags: dad, friends, likes, subconcious
For me, the friendships that mean the most to me, are really just the result of being thrown together by circumstance. My friends and I do very little small talk — even from the beginning, but only because we find small talk trivial and meaningless (and alas, it is necessary!
). And I guess, I find little joy in appearing “nice” to people just so that they can like me, because for me “niceness” hinders candid conversation
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