Twilight the musical

Last night in celebration of the fact that I only have one more sitting of exams, meaning only two more days of “revision” before I party solidly from Saturday to Wednesday, I sat down to watch an old favourite film of mine, The Phantom of the Opera. I used to absolutely adore this film (I saw it before seeing it on stage and although I heartily agree that it doesn’t live up to how amazing the stage version is, I still have a soft spot for the film), but over-watching meant that I finally got tired of it, and I haven’t seen it in nearly two years.

So, I sat down, older and wiser, and fully prepared to revel in the awesome music and odd plot. I was absorbed – leaving an over-watched film for a couple of years really does cure you of being sick of it – until I got to the song The Music of the Night. This is one of the most boring songs in my opinion, and sometimes I just skip ahead, but I let it play on, and let my mind wander a little. I wondered who I would choose if I were Christine – the Phantom or Raoul, and I remembered how an obscene amount of people on the internet (two years ago at least) detested Raoul and thought Christine should have ended up with the Phantom instead (oops, spoilers). It was like Team Phantom v. Team Raoul.

And then it hit me. The Phantom of the Opera is exactly like Twilight, except with two Edwards! It’s the same storyline, same characters, a bit more music… OMG. Let me show you:

So, Christine is this 16 year old orphan who lives in the ballet dormitories at the Opera Populaire in Paris. The opera house is taken over by two random guys, who incidentally begin lusting over her because she’s so pretty. The leading soprano walks out, and Bella, I mean Christine, is forced into the role, even though she’s really scared, because she’s a nobody, right? Well, actually she isn’t because she sings beautifully and now everybody wants her. Including two people – Raoul, her best friend from when she was little, and who is “so handsome”, and the Phantom (called Erik in the book), this masked dude who lives under the opera house and actually taught her to sing anonymously. The Phantom is a “genius” – “he’s an architect, a designer, a composer and a magician” – well, “Edward can do anything, right?”… sorry, did I say Edward? Meant to say Erik, meant to say Erik…

The Phantom, although this is never pointed out, is in my view extremely good looking too, although all this turns out to be a lie, since the mask is covering a massive facial deformity, and he in fact wears all this make up and a wig, because in reality he’s just a really old man.

So. Christine does really well, and although Raoul tries to take her out, instead she’s lured by the Phantom down to his lair. Did I mention that this was because she thought he was an angel? No, literally – she thought he was an “angel of music” sent to her by her father to protect her. Yeah, I know. And then they stand around and sing a bit, and she sees what a freak the Phantom really is because he has an exact replica of her all standing there with a wedding dress. Granted, she faints, but when she wakes up she’s not all like “excuse me, gotta run”, she hangs around for a while, takes off the Phantom’s mask, he gets all pissy and is like “NOW YOU CANNOT EVER BE FREE”. And he’s also like “this is the skin of a killer, Bella”… no wait, he’s like “is this what you wanted to see?”

And then I absolutely HAVE to quote this next bit he sings, because it’s so Edward it’s FUNNY.

Stranger than you dreamt it -
can you even dare to look or bear to think of me:
this loathsome gargoyle, who burns in hell,
but secretly yearns for heaven,
secretly, secretly…

Fear can turn to love -
you’ll learn to see, to find the man behind the monster:
this repulsive carcass, who seems a beast,
but secretly dreams of beauty,
secretly, secretly…

Oh, Christine

Meanwhile, Raoul is getting all jittery and possessive (yes, possessive) up above because Christine is HIS, dammit, and she’s gone and disappeared. I mean, it’s not like he’s only talked to her once after 10 years… no, no, of course they would have had a long relationship before he gets worried about her sneaking out at night to see other people, right? Well, maybe he just feels… “very protective” of her. And everybody else is like I KNOW WHAT YOU TWO DID LAST NIGHT, and he’s all like “dude, no”, and they’re like ORLY?

And then some insignificant plot point happens, which means that Christine and Raoul have to go all the way to the roof where it’s gently snowing, and then they declare their love. BUT! The Phantom’s watching and he gets all heartbroken and vows REVENGE. By the way, did I mention that in All I Ask of You (the proposal song thingy) Raoul’s doing the whole protective talk again, throwing about phrases like “I’m here with you, beside you, to guard you and to guide you”, and Christine’s totally buying it, and singing about stuff like “I dream of being with you forever”.

They go to a ball together, officially engaged, except Christine wants to keep it a secret because she’s afraid people will think she’s knocked up, and also she’s too young to get married! Or something. Raoul, of course, doesn’t get it, but will do anything she says. The Phantom turns up REALLY pissed and tells Christine she can return to him if she’s not too proud to do so. And Christine is all like “OMG I’M SUCH A HORRIBLE PERSON HOW CAN I BE DOING THIS TO HIM”. Well, she doesn’t say so, but she’s totes thinking it. The Phantom rips her ring off her necklace, and I kid you not, with the words “you belong to ME” and disappears. Raoul chases after him but the Phantom messes with his mind by leading him into a hall of mirrors, before he’s rescued.

At this point in the film, we’ve seen the Phantom kill two people already. Yes, Christine knows, but that doesn’t matter to her, she trusts him.

Later that night, we really get an insight into Raoul’s inner Edward. Christine is all “ZOMG have I made the right choice, I’m hurting him so much” and can’t sleep so she sneaks out of her dormitory, and what do we find but Raoul sleeping right outside her door! You can bet that if Christine had a car and Raoul didn’t sleep he’d totally have disabled her car battery and be sitting there saying “wtf do you think you’re doing young lady”. The Phantom, being one up as always and apparently not sleeping, being unable to disconnect the battery of the horse or carriage, instead secretly drives her to the graveyard, where he again tries to lure Christine into her father’s grave, or something. But it’s okay, because Raoul wakes up and chases after Christine so he can save her, should things get too nasty with the Phantom. And then there’s a whole swordfight scene.

Then some more of the random plot happens: in order to capture the Phantom they decide to put on his opera and let Christine star in it. But the Phantom being one up again kills the leading man and instead appears himself in the opera. Christine realises and they sing this whole song about sex together. She gets really into it, and Raoul sits there going “WUT D:”, and at the end the Phantom cleverly improvises in the All I Ask of You theme and goes “Christine I love you” (finally, in the second film he says it! I mean, at the end of the film…), and Christine rips his mask and wig off. And everyone’s like DUDE, GROSS, and Raoul’s like YOU MADE OUT WITH THAT? and the Phantom’s like I KIDNAP YOU NAO.

And he kidnaps her and dresses her up in the wedding dress and gives her the ring that Raoul originally gave her (um, does that even make sense?), and Raoul turns up to save her, and is all like “I’m sorry, I should have never put you in this much danger, I’m such a horrible person”. And in a shocking change of character, Christine says to the Phantom “sorry, you’re a freak, not marrying you”, and he’s like “fine, I’ll kill Raoul then”. And then she says “no I didn’t mean it” and they make out in front of Raoul. Ouch. But then the Phantom’s like “to prove that I love you the most I’ll let you go with him. FORGET ME. This is the last time you’ll ever see me” (and fangirls all over the world are crying at a TRAILER… or not). But Christine’s like “fine”, and goes off to marry Raoul. But! she leaves her engagement ring which was never actually from him in the first place with him, to remember her by. Way to rub salt in the wound, eh?

Yeah, that’s the end of the film. Don’t worry if you want more, ALW is in fact writing POTO 2. Don’t worry, I don’t think he’ll make it to 4 musicals, although there’s no news on if Christine is going to have Phantom spawn yet.

Tags: funny, movie, Music, musical, POTO, Robert Pattinson, Twilight